Without a Doubt

I’m not good at everything.

I don’t have to be.

Mom always said that I “just got by”…”jack of all trades and a master of none”… and why is that so bad? 

Can we really master something? 

Can we reach the point where we know everything there is to know about something?

Or perfect something?

Can we get to the point where our practice is perfection? 

Where we never make mistakes? 

Seriously…?

Do you think that’s possible?

I don’t. 

I don’t want to be perfect, right now…one day, but not today…

But there are some things that I do feel confident in doing. I don’t mind…but there are some things, many things, that I do that still make me nervous…I’m not confident in my abilities. I know my limitations. 

(seems to be a theme here lately)

I “just get by” with most of my life and never really apply myself.

Mom always said that she wondered what I’d be if I ever really tried. “You could be and do anything…” she’d often muse. But what I wanted to do and be, didn’t necessarily meet her approval…but that’s another story.

Dad, on the other hand, was always pleased by my accomplishments. He was proud of me…no, we didn’t speak, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t know.

My childhood was complicated. You’d have to have lived my life to understand that what seems like contradictions are really not. 

Back to my insecurities…

I am not overly confident despite the way I seem. I doubt my abilities to sustain myself in any compacity with regards to work especially. 

I know people who are so confident in what they know with their jobs, but for me, with everything changing so often, I struggle to keep up with those changes and there is so much that I am supposed to keep front and center to where I can recall on demand. As if I’m a machine…

I’m working, as I’ve said, on not taking on so much, but I feel inadequate for going so slow…I don’t want to make mistakes, but I know I’ll keep making them as long as I keep breathing. And I can live with that…

I’ve always thought of myself as a fraud. I am just waiting for everyone else to figure that out. 

Gosh, I feel it so strong sometimes. 

And while I am comfortable being able to do many things, sometimes I do wish that I had one thing that I am good at. That people would say, “Olivia can do that, that’s her thing”…but that’s not the case and it probably will never be. 

Not feeling sorry for myself or looking for compliments. Just stating my feelings. 

I’m thinking of things in particular that I should be able to do with confidence, but I know that I will continue to make mistakes when I do those things. 

And attention to detail is MY thing. It is the one thing in common with every job I’ve ever had…details and words. 

Word choices are crucial. One word can change the meaning; added or omitted, it doesn’t matter the case, the meaning changes. Even an article, a or the, for example, makes the slightest change what is allowed. 

Maybe that’s why I struggle so much…I rely on the words to let me know what is allowed. And I count on those words to be written correctly, and that I’ve interpreted it correctly. 

How do I know without a doubt…?