Wanting…

When my oldest child was a baby, the doctor said what goes in will come out…liquid in, liquid out. 

You know, those words have stuck with me all this time. 

We are what we consume. 

Sometimes I go back and read through my posts… and there are things I see that I’ve learned, but never put the lesson on paper. 

Like my friend who only brought me down. And I decided that my mental health did not need that negativity. So, I still love her the same, but I just can’t be around her for long.

And I know there are some artists who have wonderful lyrics and delivery, but their music brings about a change in me that I don’t always like. 

There are movies I’ve enjoyed but when I watch them I crave a cigarette…or I notice a change in my reactions. I become angry or aggressive…weepy or depressed. 

I’ve never liked windows…I don’t mind seeing outside, but it’s people outside looking in that give me pause. I’ve also always preferred dark rooms. My living room was painted almost black. 

But recently I’ve had a change. I repainted the walls a shade of white and took the blackout curtains down. 

I turn the lights on…I don’t want the darkness around me. 

I want light. 

I told you my go-to playlist is growing, but it’s also losing some of my past favorites. I need constant reminders that I have a purpose, not the constant reminders that life has been shitty at times. 

I need to be surrounded by light. 

I’m tired of the shadows and the broken mirrors. I don’t need the cracked glass and disproportionate images…I want the real thing. 

I want to consume what will help me be better. I don’t want to continue to take in things that bring me down. I don’t want to be in places where I feel trapped or held back. 

Maybe I did on some level, but I feel like I didn’t realize how the color of my walls, or the material I was reading could be an anchor holding me in place and not letting me continue my journey. 

I don’t have social media. I realized early on that it wasn’t good for me. Leaving it behind wasn’t hard. Yes, I lost contact with some family and friends, but the ones who cared found ways to reach me. I don’t need to know everything…my life is full enough and has enough drama without all of everyone else’s. 

And think about it, how does it make you feel when you only see the good about someone on social media? Maybe a little jealous? Envious? 

What about the bad? Does it make you feel better about your life, or does it make you hurt?

My dad always said not to covet something someone else had…because if you want the good things they have, you’d better be able to handle all the heartache they suffer as well. He knew everything comes with a price. I don’t want what you have…I don’t want your blessings or curses. I just want what is my lot to carry. 

I hate it when people point out that I should have such and such…because then I start to feel cheated; I start to feel discontent. It takes a conscious effort to put those feelings out of my mind. 

You see for me, my reactions to external stimuli made me want to change what I consume. Just like the doctor said, what you put in, you get out.