“The mind is a powerful place”1 (NF The Search)
I hear you. The mind is powerful and scary.
I’m battling my mind right now. It is telling me that I need to revert to coping mechanisms that I’ve used for decades…and I don’t want to do that. So am I weak if I need to be medicated to get through the days? Is it weakness to seek help? Or is that strength. I know you can’t help me, but is it better if I share my struggle with you?
You can’t fight the battles I face in my mind. Maybe if I give to the darkness for a bit, then I can come back out on top? Or is that wishful thinking?
GOD, please help me.
Is that vain?
Was that sincere in my petition? I really don’t know.
Darkness is glamourized now so much…it is cool to be cruel. Especially when it is self inflicted.
I just hate this feeling, but I don’t know any other way to feel.
I know that the darkness is the anti of everything I believe and it is the opposite of how I want to be and how so many people see me, but sometimes I feel like giving into the depression and anxiety might be the only way that I can overcome.
The mind is such a powerful tool and right now, mine is full of self-inflicted pain and loathing. And its telling me that I have not suffered enough…
1 NF- The Search lyrics. Great song and amazing artist; highly recommend.
OneFourZeroPM 
My response to your last post would fit in here too. Those old coping mechanisms are easy, comfortable, and you know exactly what to expect. If you are going through a hard time and can’t see a way out those old habits look appealing because you can control them and you know exactly what you are getting. I read the word and know what God has in store for me but it’s not instant. It takes faith, persistence, and work. When I am feeling lost or depressed or unsure or unworthy those old habits feel like a familiar hug. I fell into one of my old habits this past weekend so I get it. What stopped me was a text from a friend that said “How are you?” Of course I said I’m okay but after a I sent it I said to myself but are you really. Look at your actions the last few days are you really “okay?” The answer made me cling even more to my old coping ways but today I woke up determined to stop and talk/write/scream my feelings instead of reverting to my past.
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