This Sensation

I wish I could describe this sensation of feeling like I’ve suffered a decapitation. My head goes in all directions; electrical impulses in haywire connections. The view spins but it doesn’t. The ground draws nearer, but it isn’t. I stop, pause for a second, to make sure I’m still connected. I cautiously examine around me; I feel dissected from my body. My brain shakes and stutters, my body has fits and shudders. My words come in pictures and sounds, but get lost on their way to my mouth. I swear I feel like I’m upside-down; I just want off of this merry-go-round. I can’t spell or say what I think; I go cold, then hot and weak. Pressure leaning on top of my head, pushing in from the sides now instead. Vomit forms at the back of my mouth, but I can’t tell if it’ll come out. Seems like I’m better when I’m eating, in truth I don’t know how I’m still breathing. My body yearns for what I want to stop; would it be so bad…just one more pop? Sounds cause me to jump-electrical like from my brain to my trunk. Any movement, no matter how slight, throws me off makes me fight—to stay in the now, it takes all of my strength, I’m so give out. When a door opens, or there’s a shift, I feel it in my nerves like a sick sense. I can’t control the banging in my chest. I want to rip it out and get some rest. Turn the lights off, board up the windows, just stay away so no one knows I’m going out of my mind so fast; I don’t know how long my resolve will last. It’d be so much easier to give in; take another hit and let this thing win. I have never been so terrified; I am so afraid I’m going to die and I keep all of this inside and hold tight to my will to survive. Fighting all the electric jolts, the disconnect and loss of control.

4 thoughts on “This Sensation

    1. I have not tried tapping but it sounds interesting. I would like to learn more about it and EMDR.
      This feeling I’m going through is coming off of anxiety and depression meds. I’ve reread this description several times and it does not come close to the real feelings or the desperation…
      I’m definitely interested in alternative treatments in dealing with anxiety and depression. Thank you for suggestions!


  1. Wow… You are doing so much to hide how you feel and what you re going throughbut maybe you need to open up to some of those around you so they can help. You aren’t alone


    1. Opening up is so hard…So often I find my words and feelings twisted that I’d rather keep things in and suffer alone.
      Thank you for encouraging me…


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