I Get It

The past few years have been a roller coaster for me. Most of it seemed to be upside down hurling to the ground as fast as possible…never seeming to level.

Funny to think about it that way, but that is how it was. 

The last half of last year was horrible. 

I know 2020 was terrible for most people, but it is the year I almost broke. 

I got so down, so low, that I finally asked for help. I had health issues that started popping up left and right. 

I was spiraling out of control. 

Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. 

I had strangers ask me if I was okay. 

I had people let me know I wasn’t alone. I had people call to check on me. People I barely knew offered me a refuge, a safe place if I needed it. 

I asked friends should I medicate, or not?

My doctor said meds would help me get some of my other health problems under control. Not as a permanent, but a temporary relief until I could find the resolution I needed. 

Thank the good LORD, I now have the resolution. 

Now is the tricky part. 

I’m an addict. 

I’m an alcoholic who doesn’t drink; I don’t know when to stop. 

I crave nicotine but I’ve never smoked more than a pack in my life. 

I am a cutter in recovery. 

In the past, I was always in control. I refrained from the things I craved. 

Now I’m coming off the meds. 

It is very scary. 

I wish I could stay home in a dark room and sleep off the feelings. But, I can’t. 

I feel like I am alone. But I’m not. 

GOD has blessed me with some dear friends. I can’t thank HIM enough. 

Dad, I get it. I finally understand. When you’re trying to stop, your body doesn’t understand; it still wants what you’re weaning yourself off. And you think you just need a little bit, just a little dust and it won’t feel like this.

This is scary. 

I’m sorry, Dad, I’m so sorry.