Flaws and Faults

I am not perfect.

Believe me, I know my flaws and faults. I am working on them. I have many, so it will take some time, but all good things come in time. 

My faults are so varied, but among the top on my list to improve is my bitterness. It’s not something I can easily dismiss, but I can try for one moment to not let my bitterness consume me.

I am very bitter.

I recognize it in myself. 

I see the ugly truth in my reflection. 

There are certain people I cannot bear to speak with because I am so bitter towards them. I have almost completely wiped them from my mind. It’s not that they are dead to me, it’s more like they never existed. 

I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I hate it when someone thinks I am. It’s unfair to me and to the person. I don’t hold anyone on a pedestal; we are all imperfect, so please don’t do me the injustice and prop me up, I will definitely disappoint.

I am not a role model. I don’t want to be. I am more of what not to do or aspire to be. 

Don’t be like me. 

I am bitter and hateful and full of spite. There is nothing good in me. 

I deserve the hell that comes my way. I deserve all the bad that I receive. I don’t deserve any of the blessings I have. 

And that is the answer to the question “why, Mom?” Because I have my faults and secrets and lies. Because I am hateful and bitter.

Because I am so broken, I don’t know what “fixed” would feel like. 

Because this is who I am.

I am a perfectly flawed person living the only way I know how…trying to be true to myself and failing at so many things, but still I continue moving forward…