Is It Me?

**Warning: content may be graphic. I apologize.

Do I cause you so much pain that you cannot speak? 

Do you hate me so much?

Do you hate my flaws so much that you cannot look at me?

Do you know how many times I have begged GOD to move me out of the way?

Do you know how many tears have fallen on my pillow while you sleep?

I tell you something that causes me pain; something that I’m trying to beat; and instead of saying I can, you tell me just how wrong I am.

I know I’m wrong. I try to pray all the time to let me not be so bitter and angry about the smallest things.

And when someone hurts me, I don’t confront the person who offends me because I am also wrong for my reaction.

And I say that. I admit I can’t do the right thing, in the right way, yet instead of helping me, you fan the flame of my guilt and self loathing. Why?

Do I not suffer enough?

I constantly beat myself up; my insides tender, bruised and bleeding. 

Then your words, which should be of love, cut me like the knives I’ve used on myself.

GOD knows I see myself again taking the razor to my skin. I see the purple bead and follow its track to where it pools. 

This is what I see when you speak to me: I see the depth of the blade and realize the consequences of acting on that urge. I see the flesh torn, the red lines encircled with raised skin. The blissful release of tension as I draw the line.

I feel the sting as I try to wash away the evidence of my insecurities…that little jolt of electricity to let me know I’m not healed yet. I feel all this as you talk to me.

I feel your disdain, how distasteful it is for you to say my name, the way you spit out words with disgust. 

I’m not asking for anything from you. You have nothing you can give. But you don’t have to kick me when I’m down.

I’m telling you I recognize something I need to change. And I’m working on it!

Wait!! Is that the problem?? Is what you hate that you see in me, a reflection of what you hate in you? Are you guilty of the same but haven’t the courage to admit it much less desire to change?

While you sit there and pass judgment on me, I will pity you. 

May GOD have mercy on us both.