I have a close friend, but I keep her at arm’s length—for my safety. 

Friends are meant to help you through life. 

This friend, whom I love dearly, tries her best to hurt me any chance she gets. 

It seems she tries her best to shock me, yet I take it all in unfazed. Or so it seems. It hurts me when she breaks one of my core values and flaunts it in front of me…knowing how I feel. 

I feel very deeply, but I rarely show emotion. 

And I think she is testing me. I told her I love unconditionally. I know that’s rare, but I do. Since that is so foreign to her, she wants me to prove what I say. 

I do mean it. I love her. I’d do almost anything for her, but that doesn’t mean I will enable behavior I do not condone. If I did that, it would show just how little I do care. 

I’m not encouraging her bad behavior and as soon as she starts, party’s over. I’m out. Straighten up and I’ll be right back. 

I’ve suffered enough in my life that I don’t need a competition. Don’t try to ‘out dark me’. Don’t tell me your darkest secrets trying to show me your battle scars. We all have our demons. You can’t handle mine just as I can’t handle yours. But our hells are not to be celebrated. We shouldn’t try to one up the other. 

Celebrate our victories, no matter how small the obstacle. Be thankful for all we’ve survived, but don’t dwell on all the negativity. Look at how we’ve overcome all this darkness. 

So when she tells me how she said no when she wanted to say yes, I celebrate that.

One step at a time. You can’t defeat your demons forever, but you can beat them one battle at a time.

6 thoughts on “Battles

  1. I’m currently having a battle with someone I love unconditionally. This person did not appreciate my opinion on certain matters and is not speaking to me. It tears me up but this person does this often, getting angry , shutting me out, then coming back like all is good.


  2. I think, in my case, the relationship is abuse…she gets a high off of my pain. She doesn’t shut me out.

    I am sorry about your relationship. Keep strong and don’t let anyone pull you back down.


  3. I wish I were like this. I find it so easy to drop relationships and never deal with them again. You have such a caring soul and that is a wonderful quality.


    1. Thank you for this point of view. I sometimes think maybe I should drop the relationship, but then I think, especially in this particular situation, that is what the other person is trying to do. She is wanting to show that I am like everyone she’s known and will leave her hurting. I recognize some of the signs in myself and through her I have learned to accept more good from others as genuine. She’s also taught me to be more open with some of my darkness.
      I don’t necessarily think that I stay friends out of the goodness of my heart, but more for selfish reasons. Does that make me a bad person? I do love and care about this lady, and I value her in my life. I worry that my motives could be wrong. I am my worst critic.


  4. I don’t think it makes you a bad person if you want to benefit from a relationship. After all, any relationship we have with anyone should result in mutual benefit. It’s more of a question of “Are my sole reasons for remaining only for my benefit?” I don’t believe we are obligated to remain in any relationship that is toxic, including family.


    1. That is true. And no, my reasons for remaining in the relationship are not only for my benefit. I am hopeful that she will see another perspective and maybe change her outlook for the better. If she constantly dwells on all of her negative thoughts, she will never see any good and negativity will continue to manifest in her life.
      Also, I agree with you and no one should remain in toxic relationships regardless of who the other person is. If you don’t have any benefit, move on.


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