A truth…

Done. 

Sometimes there’s a shift in the air…just a little change that causes a ripple. Something small. An extra character, perhaps. Maybe an accidental click. A wrong number. Just a thought. 

Really that’s all it takes. A thought. 

A supposition that something has happened. 

Or will happen. 

And there it is…the shift.

Why did he do that? What is there, or what can he get from there that he is lacking? Why do I not meet his needs? Why am I not enough?

Just like that, my thoughts have spiraled out of control to where everything is against me. Everything is an attack. 

My heart is racing. My mouth tastes like blood. I’m trembling. My eyes burn as the tears fall inwardly. If I’m not careful, I’ll forget to breathe. 

One thought: I am never enough. 

All my doubts and fears realized whether real or imagined. 

I see things that aren’t there. Looks he gives others. 

Knowing glances…

I hear tones, accusing tones, in everyday conversation. 

Words that make no sense with the tone I hear and I twist them into a context I think they are…

But they’re not. 

Paranoia…I start thinking everyone hates me and I grow defensive.  

I can’t compete with the world. I don’t even like the most of it. How can I go on this way? 

It hurts…

I can’t eat. I hate the way I feel. I’m angry all the time. And hateful 

And everything I feel that is directed at me, that’s what I become. 

Isn’t that the way it goes? 

The thing we hate the most is what we become. Our fears become our realities…we will into our lives what we despise…

It’s a vicious cycle. 

I can’t compete with myself. I can’t compete with my thoughts. 

The thing is, I don’t need to. 

I can let these thoughts go. I don’t need to hold on to them. They only drag me down. I can let them go and move on with my life. Put the past behind me and start a new mentality. 

Because it all comes down to this simple truth: I am guilty, too.