Anger

You wanna talk about anger and how it controls your life? I get so mad at the stupidest things. My blood pressure boils because of things left undone. My blood pressure boils because I can’t lose control. I was raised to keep it in, and it’s killing me. I can’t get mad and truthfully, I am terrified of what will happen when I do finally let it all go.

A sock left on the floor and I see red. The toilet paper roll on backwards and I completely flip out. My silverware drawer rearranged and I start throwing things and slamming drawers. I’m livid at the sock, the TP, and the silverware. Inanimate objects. Go figure.

But, if you hit a trash can with your car, I’m all chill; it happens and people put the trash cans too close to the road anyway. You good? Great. If you burn supper, but you at least tried to cook, no worries, you’ll do better next time. Thank you for trying. You break my mom’s vintage pie plate she left me in her will as you were washing it, honey, it’s okay, it’s glass and grandma isn’t cooking anymore. Did you hurt yourself? Okay, I’m glad you didn’t get cut; I’ll clean it up.

But don’t you dare tell me how I think and feel about a topic when you wont let me speak on the subject to begin with. Don’t tell me that since I don’t show emotion I am heartless and no one likes me. Did everyone come to you and say such? Don’t question my motives when you won’t take the time to get to know me. I’ve known some people my whole life and I know without a doubt that they have thoughts and feelings that I will never be privy; but GOD is. And before you start passing judgement on me, make sure you are blameless.

Yes, I have anger issues. I am mostly mad at myself for not being able to say what I’m afraid to say. I’m terrified to let go of all my bitterness and hatred because it has been with me for so long. I will forever be more mad at myself for my reactions than I will ever be at anyone. I hate being so sensitive and feeling slights so deeply. I hate being triggered by the simplest and dumbest things.

So before you judge me, take a trip through my mind. Spend half an hour with my thoughts and if you can survive them without breaking down, and if you can know my heart and how much it aches, and you still feel the same, then by all means please judge me.

When I say I understand that you have a problem with anger, I mean just that. I get you. No judgement, no stones thrown; I completely understand. Maybe, if you trust me, we can work together to eradicate the bitterness and anger in both of us.