Real or Not Real?

It makes it real, doesn’t it…

I mean you know you have a problem, but when the tests are scheduled…

It makes it real.

And you really don’t want it to be real. You spend your life ignoring the signs.

Because you know more than what the signs show. You know that sometimes signs are misinformation–testing your resolve or testing your faith.

But you can’t ignore the calendar.

You can’t ignore that the tests you’ve had so far have been inconclusive. And “they” want to know why…

You understand. Afterall, you need to know why, too.

You need to have answers. You know that the not-knowing can sometimes be worse than the knowing.

It’s like keeping the guilt for what you’ve done versus begging for forgiveness…and you know, too, what it’s like when you ask for a pardon, and it is denied. When you pour out your soul, bare it all, and you are denied the release.

Yeah, you know what that’s like.

And let’s be honest, how long have you lived with guilt?

Which is worse? The guilt or the injustice…?

Well, the doctors want to know…because they are curious. They think that knowing everything is the answer, but you know better.

Sometimes, knowing the cause doesn’t help the effect.

Sometimes, knowledge is weakness, not power.

Sometimes, knowing just increases the pain…yours, mine, everyone who cares…everyone who matters.

And what if the tests show what you fear? What if the answers are the questions you’ve been afraid they are?

Why must we know? Why can’t we live in ignorance of our mortality?

Perhaps this is the freedom that you need…

Perhaps the test will show that everything remains “inconclusive” like that idiopathic pain.

Maybe it is your lot in life to go blindly with your “survivor’s guilt” knowing that it should be you; that you keep surviving on a fluke.

That’s just more guilt to add to your burden. How can you beg forgiveness when there’s no one left surviving…

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