I saw a young lady lay her head on the shoulder and wrap her arm around her husband’s mother. I don’t know why it affected me the way it did; I couldn’t catch the tears, down my cheeks they slid. I quickly glanced down not wanting to intrude on their exchange from across the room. I miss my mom so much it hurts. Usually not so bad, but lately it’s much worse. She’s been gone so long and I’m much older, but what I wouldn’t give to cry on her shoulder! All the missed opportunities I had back then, have come to haunt me again and again. I’m upset with her for leaving when she did, not like she had a choice when it would end; but we have so many words left unsaid, so much that we wanted but never did. I just want to hug her and not let go, say some things I’ve never told. I need her comfort, her calmness around me because I feel tormented, the storms surround me. Why is this feeling so strong right now? I really don’t know, I’m off kilter somehow. I haven’t been this low in so long; I’d almost forgotten just how strong, the pull can be to go to a dark place, where my eyes sting and tears stain my face. I’m terrified, I’m stuck, I’m lost; can I leave, can I pay the cost? I have so many blessings to be thankful for, can I focus on that, not want anything more?
2 thoughts on “Shoulder”
You have my deepest sympathy, Olivia. When a random encounter puts you in that place… it’s hard to explain that but you captured it well.
Thank you, Cherylle.
I don’t know why, but that day, that moment, triggered something in me and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I think with any loss, the feelings come back in ways that we’re often not prepared…I’ve often said that despite how many years have passed, sometimes the loss strikes me anew and it feels like the first time all over again. I just have to give into my feeling for a few minutes or else I’ll go down a dark path. This time I was blessed to be able to write about it.
Again, thank you.