If you’re reading this, it means I’ve lost my mind; I’ve decided to print what I’ve tried to hide. I struggle with addiction; I’m in love with the pain— I say that I’ll stop, but I know I’ll start again. I might do good, and stay on track for a while; then I’ll slip back into the routine of my self-condemning lifestyle. I’ll shred myself with words, tear the flesh into pieces; inflict so much pain; oh, how deep my hatred reaches. I destroy myself but I won’t stop there; my pain isn’t complete until I run off those who’d care. I push away friends, who dare to get too close; I’m terrified they’ll see just what I already know. I want to be alone, it’s safer, you see? I don’t have to worry you’ll end up hurting me. I can hurt myself; I do it all the time. But if you hurt me, I don’t know that I’d survive. So I’ll push you away if you mean too much; I’m already scarred everywhere you’ve touched. This isn’t the first time, nor will it be the last; you know the future always repeats the past. I’ve lost a few people I never thought I would; I love them a lot; a little more than I should. Although I have an addiction where I love to feel the pain; this is so much different—nowhere near the same.
To be continued…
2 thoughts on “This”
It is so difficult to get out of the self destructive habits that we have. Especially when you’re in a darker point than normal. Where the hatred, resentment, anger, sadness, etc run so deep you feel like you’re being eaten from the inside out.
Exactly. We fool ourselves into thinking that the darkness is comfort and why leave the place where we feel we deserve to be?