On my way to church this morning, I felt this pressure in my chest…

Today is one of those days I’d give just about anything to fall into my mom’s arms and cry on her shoulder.

Not like that ever happened.

Mom wasn’t the affectionate type.

Neither am I.

But that isn’t my point today.

I guess a mother should represent stability, or in my case, my mom was more stable than my dad.

And right now, I need someone stable to help me stabilize my thoughts.

I have talked to GOD and told HIM my fears and doubts. I’ve asked HIM to be my tongue and move my feet in HIS way and time.

My biggest fear is acting on my own.

And departing from HIS path.

I know what I feel like I need to do, but when I take that first step, so much, so many lives will be impacted.

This weight on my shoulders is so heavy…

I know the LORD can move it out of the way where I can move forward. It is my desire that HE continues to show me HIS way and keep me in HIS mercy.

Today my secrets are bringing me down.

And we read in Ephesians 5 that what is done in the dark will come to light…

I fear the darkness within me will snuff out any light I may have.

Have mercy, Oh LORD; please forgive me.

3 thoughts on “Today

  1. GET OUT OF MY HEAD OLIVIA ALLEN! This post is me. I feel the exact same way. My family’s reaction is the only thing that hurts them because I don’t want my kids to hurt like this but at the same time it’s been over ten years and it feels like yesterday. What’s so bad, I can’t hear her voice anymore so it adds to the loss. IDK


    1. I hear mom in my friend’s laugh. Her smile shows on a stranger’s face. Her kiss is a yellow rose and her hug is in a gentle breeze.
      Just to be ‘near’ her that day, I laid on her stone craving her smell and hoping I could feel the warmth of her embrace.
      I want to be able to hold my children enough to let them feel me when I’m no longer here. I want them to know that they have everything they need inside them.
      I remember my sister telling mom she was her hero and mom replied with tears in her eyes, oh honey, let GOD be your hero, HE gives the strength you need. Mom was stable, but her foundation was built upon the Rock that is JESUS CHRIST.


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