For the past 20 years, I have been changing into something I never wanted to be.
It was a wake up call when I had an answered prayer…a prayer I’d made so often, for so long, that I’d almost given up on it.
And it took me a bit to see the answer…as the answer.
I actually just realized I had received this gift two weeks ago. Years after the answer arrived.
I’m slow sometimes.
I always ask GOD when HE wants me to know something to please get my attention, hit me over the head or something, but I need it to be plain.
Anyway, I woke to myself and who I’d become and I don’t like it.
So, I’m doing more.
I’m becoming more me.
And I’m not sorry if it offends, this is who I really am.
Oh, I got over it, alright, just like you said I would. But let me tell you something, I’m done. I can’t bend and break all of my values for you.
It’s not easy.
And I have my moments when I think it’d just be easier to stay the course.
I can’t, though.
I need the love and support of my family and friends.
And lots of prayer.
I am determined.
It’s time I start living my life; I only have one shot at this. I need to live for me and make it count.
By the way, I like who I am.
And the people who matter, love who I am and who I was 20 years ago. Not so much who I’ve been the last 20 years though.
9 thoughts on “Repairing”
You say you woke to who you had become and don’t like it. But you also say you like who you are. Did I read that incorrectly or maybe I need it spelled out for me.
I do not like who I had become, but who I was is who I am working towards. I like who I am now although it upsets people I changed for. Does that make sense? I’m no longer in a fog, I’m finally making decisions for me and doing what I want to do.
I think I get it. 😁
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I completely relate to this post. I have become a person that I don’t know and it was such small changes that I didn’t know it was happening. Now I look and don’t know what I like or what I want. I am trying to become closer to God but outside of that I’m so lost. I like reading that I’m not alone and road to self love is possible. Keep growing.
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Elana, self-love is something that the people who hurt us don’t want us to have. You keep growing; keep walking with GOD, and you will love yourself.
You are never alone.
Very real. Self love (really, self acceptance) is a struggle for some of us who are perfectionists and the repairs seem almost impossible. But the power of prayer and accepting progress (to be a little better than yesterday) helps a lot to saying “I’m okay. And I like me.” And believing it.
Too it took many small changes to make us other than who we were, it will take many small steps to get us back to who we should be. It does start with self acceptance…we are not perfect, only the FATHER is perfect. We were created in HIS image, but we were not created as HE was.
And as easy as it is for us to believe something negative about ourselves, we should believe the good also. We rehearse the bad things; we also should rehearse the good and reinforce our positive qualities.
Keep telling yourself that you are worthy of love and BELIEVE that you are worthy. GOD warns against harming HIS children, do you think you are above HIS commandment? If you are HIS, hurting yourself is hurting HIM.
(Yes, I have to tell myself this too. It is a struggle for me as well.)
Would you say that even if you don’t believe the affirmations you say now that you should keep saying them and one day you will believe?
Yes. Our negative thoughts are so often repeated that we believe that mantra. If we change our mantra, we will eventually reprogram our minds to believe the good in us also.