It doesn’t work…

I feel like a kid sometimes. I catch myself squeezing my eyes shut as tight as I can and folding myself in a tight little ball either physically or mentally hoping to be removed from the place I’m in, the situation, whatever. Much to my dismay, it doesn’t work. 

It’s like I can will myself out of the way and if I can’t see another person, then they can’t see me. Am I the only one who does this?

How did I get to this place where I am so uncomfortable in my own skin? Where I just want to disappear? I don’t want my life to end; I want the pain and discomfort to stop. I feel like I have a sign flashing above my head drawing attention to me and all my many flaws. 

And trust me, I know each and every flaw I have. I am constantly examining myself, looking for ways to improve and change and be better so maybe I can one day be good enough, smart enough, talented enough, enough just for once. 

So here I sit, with my eyes closed wanting to be ignored, but needing to be wanted and loved for all that I am not… 

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