Even through my closed eyes I could see the light…all lights off, the door closed and I lay on the cement tile willing this to stop.

Blinding light in the dark. No source. Just light shooting pain like daggers. My vision failed as heat waves rose and I shivered as the temperature dropped. Cold sweat on my brow, my clothes clinging to my skin as the tremors started. The pounding in my chest did nothing to stop the looming panic. Trying to become one with the tile, I brushed my hair aside and let the coolness sting my face…Hoping for relief from the nightmare and release from this death-grip. Stillness, just be still and not cause the daggers to shift. With every shutter and shake, they do just that. 

When the light finally faded and the daggers removed, I remained wiped out on the floor. Completely spent from the inward onslaught, I needed fuel…drugs and liquid to combat the migraine and ward off the impending hangover. 

Barely breathing, I downed everything I could find. Too much to do to give into the debilitating pain…too many depending on me to show weakness. 

Eyes on fire, head in a vice, one foot in front of the other, muscle memory taking over and everything moved as it should. 

My heart isn’t in it. My head is elsewhere, but no one knows I’ve just come through Hell, weak as water and just as deadly.

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