Just Be Held…gosh the opening lyrics speak so loudly to me right now. I had literally just sat down and opened a new document to write. Plugged in my earbuds and the first words hit hard. Not what I had in mind to write about either… but signs…
"Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on..."
-Casting Crowns
In my own life, I still feel as though I’m on the outside looking inward.
In the past few weeks, I’ve lost forever two people who have meant a great deal to me.
One was a preacher…he baptized me…he was the kindest, most humble man I have ever known. The last time I saw him, he was leaving my house after eating dinner with us. He hugged my neck and I told him to come back again soon. He said if the LORD wills, he would.
It wasn’t HIS will…
…and before I could even process his death, my grandpa died…
My grandpa who I’ve written about so many times…who always knew me and who the last time I saw him, he said my name and fought with all his might to wrap his frail arm around me and pull me in for a hug. His eyes, clear for the first time in so long…gone. And I wasn’t there…I hope he knew how much I loved him. He was my last connection…
And then this awful virus that is plaguing everything and everyone I love…my husband is fighting this thing. It is horrible watching him suffer and not being able to help, and not wanting to get it myself. We got the vaccine…and thank GOD that we did. I can’t imagine how bad he would be right now had he not taken the vaccine! I’ve never seen anything like this and I know personally too many people who’ve died from this. I have been to too many funerals and too many visitations from COVID.
And it keeps spreading. Every single day, another person I know has this dreaded virus.
I had to go bury my grandpa alone. I had to get up and drive 7 hours for the funeral, not being able to get near anyone, not even seeing him for one last time, and leave as soon as it was over, before chancing anyone else getting sick and drive back home for 7 hours…without someone there to help me, comfort me…I had to be strong and I’m tired of being strong for everyone else.
But when my actions show just how stressed and worried I am, I am accused of putting strain on the family. I get it. I have to be strong because if I falter, then the foundation of the family isn’t as strong as it should be. I have to keep my head up…and I have to fight this virus and all the negativity being thrown at me from every direction.
"Hold it all together
everybody needs you strong..."
Like I said in an earlier post, LORD, Fix My Eyes on YOU; be my strength and my salvation.
And LORD, please heal as many as it can be right with YOU. I know that YOUR will is perfect and I do not have to see and understand, but LORD, YOU have all understanding and are perfect in all YOUR ways. Help me trust in YOU and help me turn over my worry for my friends and family into YOUR hands and let YOU take care of all YOUR children.
I am in such a dark place right now, but LORD knows I am trying so hard to see the rainbow; the promise that HE will never leave or forsake HIS.
"..If your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still,
but if your eyes are on the cross, you'll know I always have and I always will..."
-Casting Crowns
I’m a work in progress, and I know that you understand…
OneFourZeroPM 