Targets and Mercy

I might be the only person who feels like this, but I feel like I have a target on my back. I feel like people stare daggers through me.

But why should they? Really, so much of the time I feel invisible: like I really don’t matter anyway; so why would someone waste their time with a thought towards me?

Sometimes I feel that people make a point to look away from me…and that’s fine. Whatever makes you feel better…

I’m such an egotistical person…If only I could be humble…

Getting back to my feelings…Because I feel that way, I have a bias when dealing with those people…and It is quite possibly only in my head. Only because of my perception of what I see…

Those people have never come to me and right out said anything; it is just a feeling I have. But feelings are often misleading…

Maybe I caught a look on someone’s face when they were thinking of something else…but because they were “looking right at me with that face…” (you know the face I’m talking about) they hate me…don’t like me…are always mean to me…whatever narrative I come up with to believe. 

Chances are, they were probably thinking about what they have to do when they get home…maybe they were going through their grocery list and trying to remember everything on it or make sure they didn’t forget something. And I just got caught in the middle of the look; which was unintentional and completely innocent. 

I know I do that…I give looks all the time but I am often unaware.

And people who really know me know how hard I try to always be positive- a positive influence. I hate being misunderstood, so I try to over explain myself. And I do attempt to be more understanding of others. 

I realize everyone has so much going on in their minds and lives that we can’t always be how we should on the outside. We can’t always wear a smile, though we can always try…

At any given moment, My mind is usually far removed from my body. I am rarely in the present moment. I’m always thinking of what I need to be doing instead of what I am doing.

I’m always planning something; I have projects I hope to complete. I am forward thinking. I don’t think of things to do or have dreams to accomplish unless I have a plan for making it happen. 

So, I get it. If you interrupt my thoughts, I’m probably going to give you a look, but more than likely, I was negotiating the details of a dream of mine. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. I promise you that.

Can I give a little grace to others? I know I’ve upset some people in my life, but I also know it’s not always about me.

Sometimes those feelings we have are our insecurities showing up. And then we start mistreating others totally uncalled for…and where does that leave us? 

But one slight deserves another, right?

Two wrongs make it right?

An eye for an eye?

Well, that’s fine and well and good, but Jesus said that whoever is without sin can cast that first stone…

For my part, I’m going to put the stones down and beg for forgiveness for all my sins.

Pray for those who wrong you: it is heaping coals on them. (That’s in the Bible.)

I can honestly say that I can think of no one I wish any harm.

Believe me, I have been wronged so many times, but I hope for the Lord’s mercy. Because, as I said, I know I’ve done some things that are not always right either.

I need mercy…

Dear Lord, please help.