Reaching Out

Have you ever noticed that when we most should reach out, we withdraw? Or, maybe I’m the only one who does that. 

Lately I’ve been struggling with some emotions and stress and I’ve been working on this by myself. I’m not asking for help. I don’t usually ask for help. 

I’m a grown woman. 

I find that a funny line. I hear that often, from another’s point of view. “I’m a grown man and I will do as I please…”

I also have some one who repeatedly tells me that “you are a grown woman and you do not have to ask for permission to do what you want. You do not have to listen and do what someone tells you to do…”

If only…

Back to my original thought…why do I withdraw when I really need to reach out? 

If not to ask for help, then maybe to help someone else and help myself in the process? 

This minute, I cannot talk. I am literally struggling to verbalize what I want to say, but I can write it out. 

I was in a store with my daughter the other day. She wanted to make a large purchase, and she needed me there with her. Being the concerned mom that I am, I wanted to make sure we both understood what was going to happen and everything about the transaction. I started to ask a question and just stopped mid-word. The words left me; my mind went blank. I apologized for stopping mid-thought, but I was helpless. After a few minutes, I remembered the question and continued. Embarrassed. 

My mind is in so many directions right now that I can’t keep anything straight. 

I’m not talking unless I must.

I’m mentally and emotionally spent. 

And I feel horrible for being this way. I keep doing more and adding more to my plate, but I really just need to stop and not take on anything else. 

But I can’t. Too many people depend on me; I feel like I fail every one of them. 

In the future, I will try to do better and not withdraw when I should reach out.

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