Apologies

I was talking with my niece the other day about writing. I was telling her how much I loved to write…but lately, I’ve been struggling. 

Not for lack of thoughts or ideas, but because I feel like all I do is write for work every day. I spend so much of my time drafting letters and appeals that I don’t have it in me to creatively write. 

I love my actual job. When I get to do what my duties are, I enjoy work. It’s when I’m expected to do someone else’s job that I start having problems. My job isn’t writing; it’s reading, lots of reading. I read policies, procedures and other informational materials. And I thoroughly enjoy that. 

I take that research and break it down into pieces for others to use to build arguments. 

Bullet points. 

They take that and draft papers for me to review and fact check. 

I don’t write the final draft; I approve it. 

Lately, I’ve been doing the research, writing the papers and it takes too much of my time from doing my job. I have more and more to do daily with my work in a field that changes constantly. 

Policies are written in pencil. That means what works today won’t necessarily work tomorrow. And I must keep up. 

I know this isn’t unique to me. I know every good employee is tired of picking up slack from the ones who are there for a paycheck. 

My complaint is that we’re exhausted and can’t do the things we have always enjoyed. 

Writing is an escape for me the way books and movies are for others. 

I need my escape. 

I need my outlet. 

I haven’t neglected myself. I have a schedule I follow for spiritual, physical, and mental health. I’m doing more and challenging myself with new things. I feel the best I’ve felt in years. 

But, what I’ve always enjoyed is becoming a burden. And I do not want that. I love writing. I love expressing my thoughts and ideas through the written word. Lately though, forming thoughts and ideas is the last thing I can do. I feel like I argue all day and I don’t like that part of me. 

I apologize for not being consistent right now. I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can do at the moment.