If…then

It’s what makes life fly by so fast: the hurry up and wait: the ‘if-then’…

If I can make it through Saturday, then…

…

When I found out I was expecting my fourth child, putting it mildly, I had many thoughts…timing was crazy, in the middle of losing both my parents and just everything seeming to go wrong in the previous six months, I got this amazing news that our family was growing. 

I was already having my version of morning sickness: depression and anger coupled with nausea and vomiting. My mom had related that I was one of those people who should not get pregnant because it was so hard on me and really anyone who got near me…

But I digress…

I was in college, had just started taking classes and one of my professors asked me if I was pregnant. A few days later, I told her I was…

Of course I was excited! I love my children more than anything, but something about this pregnancy had me concerned. 

But still I thought, “if I can hear the heartbeat, then I know everything will be fine.”

There’s that “if-then” relationship…

We went to a funeral for my aunt and I told my sister that I was going to have another baby. It was good news after spending so much time in the hospitals, police stations, and funeral homes…those are other stories that are not relevant to this. Life was crazy and horrible at the time. 

A few days later, my sister called me. She’d been crying and didn’t know how to say what she needed to say. I told her that I knew what she needed to tell me: my baby wouldn’t make it. She cried even more and said she just couldn’t believe it but she’d had a dream and just a bad feeling. It was a bad feeling. I had the feelings and numerous dreams too…

The depression and anger grew worse. I couldn’t control my feelings but I hid them as best as I could from my children and family. No one needed to know just how bad I was…

“If only I can hear his heartbeat, then I know it’ll be okay.”

My husband was working one day; he was by himself and he heard someone talk to him. He said it was like the person was standing right there next to him, the voice was that close. Plain as day, he heard the words “your son isn’t going to make it.”

“Please, if I can hear his heartbeat, then I know it’ll all be okay…”

That night my father-in -law called worried about his son. He said he had a dream that his son died. Now this particular son had been in some trouble and it was a valid concern. But I knew he was talking about MY son. 

Finally, the day came where I could see the doctor and see my baby and hear his little heartbeat. 

That’s a sound I’ll never forget, I hope. I hope if I lose my mind, I hope I never forget the sound of my children’s voices. 

Everything was going to be okay. I heard his heartbeat. 

Two days later, his heart stopped and mine kept going, but not as it had before. 

I stopped living. I was already shook, but losing my son broke me. 

I don’t like living with the “if-then” mindset. 

Life is one day at a time. 

I don’t need to have this so I can be happy; I’m happy because I’m breathing. I have everything I need. 

I did have another child after the son I lost. My family is complete. 

My children are the best parts of me. They are my joy and my happiness. 

If they know that I love them, then they have all I can give them and I have all that I need.