By Grace

I was pregnant with my third child. 

Now, I must admit, I was not the typical joyful pregnant woman. I was mean and hateful. Every day, I fought the urge to hurt myself. I struggled with depression daily. As soon as the baby came, I was fine. But while the child was growing in my belly, stay clear. 

My mom, one day, commented that not everyone needed to have multiple children. She said I was one of those who wasn’t meant to have a lot of kids. As I said, I was expecting number three. I’ve had two more pregnancies since then, one did not survive. I still think about my baby every day. I miss the child I held his whole life. 

But I digress, and I apologize for that. 

Pregnant with number three and listening to my mother tell me how horrible I was when I was with child. It did not help my feelings nor did it improve my mood. 

But that night, as I slept, I had a dream and I dreamt about grace. To me, the child I was carrying was my grace…bringing her to term was a given, but she has taught me grace. 

My third born, like all of my children, is truly a blessing. She has always been her own person, a pure joy for so many people. She has a gift that the elderly see and appreciate. Her way with children is unlike any other. Each day, she starts over, like a reset button, with yesterday’s mistakes forgotten. What I mean is, she doesn’t hold a grudge. She gives grace to everyone she meets. She works with children, children with behavioral problems and special needs. She doesn’t let them see her frustration at repeating herself so many times. And regardless of how bad things were yesterday, today she smiles and greets each child like a best friend. 

Now I’m not saying she is perfect. No, not by a long shot. I’m just saying that we all need a little grace in our lives. 

If you’ve read much I’ve written, you’d know how often I write about ’grace’. 

Oh for just a little drop of grace, wouldn’t that be a blessing indeed. 

Grace is something that doesn’t take money to have. And it sure feels good to be on the receiving end. But it is equally as nice to give grace…we’ve all been in circumstances where we feel inadequate but we try to do as well as we can. A little grace helps to smooth things out, makes us more willing to try and do. 

Grace has been on my mind lately. I sure need some grace. And I thought of the verse that says to whom much is given, much is required (Luke 12:48)…and I wondered if I am not giving as much grace as I require on my own part. I need to be more humble, less quick to lose my temper. 

I’ve noticed a shift in how I process things; yes I get frustrated, but the urge to lash out isn’t as strong. God has shown me how helpless I am without Him, how I depend on Him for everything and how He has given me so much; showing a little kindness doesn’t take anything away from me. Giving someone a bit of mercy hasn’t stolen mercy from me. Taking time to listen to others, listen to understand their feelings and needs, worries and desires, doesn’t take anything away from me. If anything, it makes my heart full, because I hope that other person can see and feel God in me.

My flesh is greedy and prone to wander away from the Lord, but His spirit is the only good that could be found in me.