Struggling

This isn’t my usual thing, but needed to take a second and get this out.

Gosh, I feel like I am rotting away.

I know I am full of sin; I fear my heart isn’t always where it should be.

But my flesh is literally rotting before my eyes.

I’m not alone in this struggle with this disease, but I feel so alone so much of the time.

Some days, it’s not so bad, but like today, I just don’t know how to keep going. Every day lately, I have noticed it spread. The past few years have been horrible. What once was isolated to a few places I could easily conceal, has turned into covering a good portion of highly visible areas.

When I read of Moses commanding the children how to be cleansed from leprosy, I often wonder if that treatment would work for me…

I don’t have leprosy. But this disease I have, at least in my own mind, mirrors the appearance.

What sin did I commit that was so bad to cause this? Can I repent and wash and isolate myself long enough to be clean?

Silly thoughts, perhaps, but they are real and do weigh on me at times.

It wasn’t until recently that I started noticing how much I was affected by this condition. I never realized how it dictated not only how I dress but how I act and how much I’d rather not be around others. It’s painful, yes, in so many ways. It leaves scars behind, places that will never look or feel the same.

I guess every scar tells a story. I have so many stories of how life has tried to tear me down but through my Lord’s grace I overcome.